Day One starts way earlier than I wanted.
Yes, I went to bed at 8:30 last night (don’t judge). Yes, I had snoozed my alarm thrice (5:40 am, 5:55 am, and 6:27 am) already and want to snooze it again at 6:54. Yes, Louboutini is off today and probably going to sleep late, so Fridays are usually a prime cuddle morning. But sigh.
I figure at 6:33 I should get up and at least try the routine, because I have two steps cut out in the AM anyway. I have a call at 7am every day from now till April 10, so if I’m not even close to done by that time, this whole routine is going to really piss me off. I put my contacts in and begin.
Oil Cleanser Thoughts: Yeeeeesh, this is like rubbing olive oil on my face (but at least it has a light and lovely smell). I might as well have an oil slick on my face. I wonder if that’s what it feels like as an animal in an oil spill…well maybe not that drastic…Oh shit, it’s not rinsing off…well duh, oil and water…but then how the heck am I supposed to get it off???
Water Cleanser Thoughts: Ohhhhh this is nice…I wonder if you’re supposed to do it after or combine it with the oil, but I can’t figure out how to get that off so… OK fine I will just rub this in and on top, and…Wow, this smells lovely. I have the urge to splash my face like they do in the Neutrogena commercials….that’s probably a bad idea though. Seriously, who does that? Okay the oil is gone, the foaming water cleanser is washed off…this feels great. I understand the smiling splash now.
Exfoliant Thoughts: Hm, this is not the clean lemony scent I was expecting, I do not feel “granules” and it looks and has the consistency of….yeah. That. Lovely.
What!? It says peeling! It’s not a “let dry and peel off exfoliator” mask thing?!?!?! WHAT THE HECK I WAS SOLD A BAG OF GOODS!” I read the back and it says to massage in, and then rinse off. It is one of the few products I purchased with instructions in English as well as Korean (I definitely didn’t think that through). Oh man, I thought this was going to be like a Biore strip for my face. I am seriously disappointed. I suppose there’s a bright lining – it’s certainly going to cut down on my face care time if I don’t have to let it dry.
Toner Thoughts: This is what I paid $10 for??? Seriously? It doesn’t smell like anything, looks, feels, and pretty much IS just water, and there had better be something else to it because no, it doesn’t burn like toner I had in the past, but what the eff. I was hoping for at least a pretty smell. I hope I’m doing the “pat on your face with two fingers” thing right because I’ve never done it before and I feel like a moron.
Essence Thoughts: Ok well THIS is the big scam. I spritz several times onto my damp face, and….no magic happens. It’s not making me glow, smell pretty, or have that “dewey” look people were raving about. This was my splurge?! This?! It had better start working because my buns? They don’t feel nothin’ like steel. (Points if you get that reference).
Serum Thoughts: Thank God there is a dropper, because this is the consistency of almost congealed cooking fat. I still use too much (I am going to have to figure the dosage thing out with all of these products, because you do not need much). Jesus, my face is still wet – I wonder if that matters? My damp essenced face reminds me of how I used to feel like it was dripping off in Dallas summer heat, or after a straight hour of indoor cardio – but without the actual dripping? Gross. I’m so shiny – I hope I am not shiny all day.
Mask/Eye Cream: Skipped till tonight. I don’t know how much more hydration my skin can take. It’s like when you’re so bloated from drinking water that you can’t drink anymore, except in your skin. Maybe that’s why they don’t have wrinkles. The skin is so hydrated that it literally cannot wrinkle.
Moisturizer: Okay, well if I thought the exfoliant looked like semen, I was wrong. THIS looks like semen. Look, feel, and it doesn’t’ smell bad…per se….but it certainly doesn’t smell good. And this is actually snail jizz so it makes sense, but now I’m grossed out. Also, a dime sized amount is too much. Perhaps a pea sized amount will work better, but that must be why these containers are so small. And don’t Korean women have small faces since they are all plastic surgeried to look the same? Gosh, these bottles must last them months. At least I know now they will last me definitely more than the week. Am I even going to like this beyond a week? If I go beyond a week I will have to buy more masks. Ugh, so glad I skipped that step this AM. Does this even work if you rub moisture into moisure? What if you can only combine like brands and I’m going to break out? Okay I am wasting time spiraling…
Sunscreen: God I hope this isn’t….ew it is. It’s the chalky white zinc stuff you see people making fun of on the beach.
Image courtesy wired.com
Except it’s watery and kind of….slimy? I guess sunscreen is slimy – I don’t know. I don’t have to use it in Washington because the sun never makes an appearance in winter. Sigh, let me be a good Korean and complete my beauty routine. I miss being tan. If only this kung flu would go away and I could go to Dallas in April and get tan. God I hope this doesn’t make me any whiter. Maybe I should have started this routine in Texas because at least I would have a reason to use sunscreen. I miss sun. I can’t wait for summer.
I look at the clock and it is 6:47am. I still have time to brush my teeth, make it downstairs, get a glass of a water/seltzer mix, and…oh shit. I probably should have brushed my teeth first. I also realize how much my thoughts have spiraled in the last 15 minutes. Taking those few morning minutes to focus on yourself can have some interesting consequences.
I brush my teeth carefully, and head to my office. I’m on the computer at 6:52 and am surprisingly more awake than I think I should be (could be that 8:30 bedtime last night, but who knows). I know the eye cream step will add about 10 seconds, and the sheet mask will add about 20 minutes, but if this is how it’s going to be, I can live with it.