I Just Don’t Get It

There are a very limited number of specific things that I strongly dislike. Some of my list consists of exams (the bane of every student’s existence), Brown University (the thief of my academic confidence), cigarettes, waking up early, and my current boyfriend’s exes (whoever they may be). But the one thing that tops my list is girls. And although “hate” might be too strong of a word, I would rather have my fingernails lifted off rather than hang out with a group of them.


Now, to the naked eye, it would appear that I am as girly as they come. Yes, I have boobs and curves. I have softer features, long hair, and a higher, softer voice. I like to shop and I am attracted to those of the male persuasion. I wouldn’t be caught dead in Birkenstocks, and I like art, theatre, and sappy chick flicks. So yes, that naked eye would be absolutely correct. I am a girl. However, I am also into cars and baseball, and I don’t take forever to pick out clothes (shoes, maybe…clothes, no). I’m more out of place than Eliza Doolittle at the horse races when I’m in a pack of girls. To top it off, guys feel more comfortable being guys around me, which means they burp, fart, make comments to girls passing by, and don’t necessarily follow the rules of gallantry in my presence.


I suppose it would be nice to have guys watch their language, open doors for me, pay the tab, and et cetera, but then they would be treating me more like a girl, and as I’ve already stated, I am self-hating. I’m not saying I’m better than them. I can be catty, analytical, and bitchy. Any of my friends will attest to that. However, I do reserve it for the company of my girl friends. Yes, I do have a select few XX chromosomed friends. However, we’ve all agreed that we hate girls. The biggest reason for this is because most girls are manipulative, catty bitches whose sole purpose in life is to break the hearts of boys (read: MY boys).


Being surrounded by guys for the better part of my 20 years, I have seen girlfriends come and go, flings sizzle and fizzle, and attractions run ramped. And to tell you the truth, these girls are all the same. Day in and day out, I become more and more increasingly frustrated with my sex.


There’s the ex girlfriend, who, after two years, completely abandoned the ex boyfriend. During the course of the relationship, she was spoiled, appeased, and a wholehearted (or maybe coldhearted) bitch. Not once did I see her do anything nice for him—in over a year, I didn’t see her kiss him once. And he was a terrific boyfriend. He paid, was chivalrous, and took all her bullshit. And then the end came. She went to college and decided she couldn’t fit him in between the new guys she was meeting, drinking, clubbing, and partying. She said some pretty reprehensible things to him, his family, and his friends…things you wouldn’t even think upon your nemesis. And yet, when she needs or wants something (i.e. her car fixed, someone to complain to, ass), she calls him and usually gets what she wants. And he is blind enough to pick up the phone.


And then, there’s the rich bitch, who was given everything on a silver platter and never had to once work for anything, so when she finds a guy she likes, uses him until his retirement fund is dried up. She then proceeds to drop him like a hot potato, citing the various times that he didn’t take her out like he used to, therefore wasn’t treating her as well (he was BROKE for crying out loud!). Every girl loves to be spoiled, and deserves it once in a while. I mean, really boys. Gifts and flowers, and even sweet nothings are not reserved solely to anniversaries, birthdays, and Valentine’s Day. They don’t even have to be expensive. The best example is my last boyfriend, who wrote “I love you” on a piece of paper and took a picture of himself holding it with my digital camera…for me to find later. (It was found by one of my better male friends, and not only did that score him points with me, but with my protective guy friends as well.) But girls, these things aren’t reserved for the male half. Get off your butt and do something nice. It doesn’t hurt to pick up the tab or to get him a gift out of the blue…draw him a picture or write him an “I love you” post it note…it’s the effort that counts, not the price.


The most recent one is the girlfriend who treated the boyfriend badly, did things that could very well be considered cheating, and didn’t care or realize that her immature ways were hurting someone she supposedly cared about. I heard stories of drunken nakedness, wild and rowdy parties, and getting high…all without the aforementioned boyfriend. There were hurtful phone calls, shady behavior, and lies…and this was all before they broke up…and he knows it’s trouble, yet he takes her back. And it’s a repetitious cycle, but he continues to endure (and complain). Because maybe, just maybe, this time she’ll change.


Although these are all winners, my favorite one is the drop dead gorgeous girl with no more than two functioning brain cells (if that many). She is attractive, yes, but attractiveness should not be a trade off for common sense. I’m not talking about knowing what a catalytic converter does, nor distinguishing Miles Davis from John Coltrane…I’m not even talking about things like knowing who Leonardo DaVinci was. I’m talking basic facts. Geography. Science. History. Things you learn in elementary school. Or from turning on MTV at ten to the hour, every hour, and watching something from MTV News. Even they make an effort to report on current events. You can bounce a quarter off her ass, be mesmerized by her gaze, and fry an egg of her stomach, but for God’s sake. Alaska is NOT an island.


Boys, wake up. You don’t have to settle for something we all know is second (or third or fourth or fifth) best. And despite the common misconception that every girl wants a bad boy, we really don’t. Ok, so maybe they are an adrenaline rush, but they’re most certainly not long term types. And every girl can be a bitch, but deep down, we all want the same thing. We want security, we want to be loved and wanted, and we want a man who will take care of us. That hardly spells out “bad boy.” But “bad girl” isn’t any better. See the writing on the wall, if she’s not treating you right, then ditch the bitch and find someone better. Because it’s been my experience that the good guys are always shat on, and there are a multitude of good girls who will love and appreciate you. Smart ones, who know that there are 50 states. Honest ones, who won’t lie and will include you. Really, the nice guys are lacking. Although I won’t speak for others, I’ll speak for myself. I want a nice guy. One of the guys who has always “finished last.” Guess what, nice guys. You’re not finishing last in my book.



  1. ugh, i totally agree with you. i see this everyday and it is frustrating…
    the first ex-girlfriend “issue” you mentioned reminds me of a reverse of roles with the ex-boyfriend who goes brown… does it not? :p

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