I know the “what if’s” will kill you, but I can’t help but wonder about them while I am sitting by myself at home, snowed in, and I am so alone.

I wonder if I had graduated on time, what would I be doing now? Probably living somewhere like Stamford or New York, hanging out with my best friend from high school every other weekend, eating sushi every weekend (not that I don’t do that already), going to the theatre, taking yoga, and working at some investment firm. Or would I be somewhere in China or Japan, learning about Asian culture, trying to blend in, eating sushi every weekend, speaking another language, traveling the continent, and teaching young people the silly nuances of English? Maybe I would be in Italy, working in the embassy, eating pasta every day, and impressing the Italians with my language skills, even though I look like I should be speaking Korean. Or maybe, just maybe, I’d be in grad school in DC, studying international trade, development, and finance in the best place to study it ever. Maybe I’d meet lots of people and end up around the world somewhere. I don’t know where I would have ended up, but part of me wishes I had gotten it done on time. At least I wouldn’t have another $6000 in loans over my head, or an empty job market, or even the stresses of Christmas and graduation at the same time.

I wonder what if I hadn’t met someone in January, and I had still been single now. Would things be different, would I have made different choices regarding guys I’ve met since then? I suppose my number might have stayed the same, but I think I would have figured out a bit more what I’m worth and what I deserve, as opposed to settling for what I’ve got or what I think I want. Would I rather have “a Jackie or a Marilyn” in male form, or some combination of both? What if I were still single now, and planning to leave the country? Would I? It’s such a scary thought. And I wonder what he thinks too. What if he hadn’t met me, and had gone after his pipe-dream ex girlfriend? What if we had met months later, would we get along as well? What if our families didn’t accept the other on the basis of race, religion, or some other factor? And what if we aren’t as compatible as I hope we are? Generally we seem to fit pretty well. We want the same things, and we have the same upbringing. But sometimes, there are times that I wonder what is going on, and is this person really going to take care of me? And even now, I don’t know if I can live with some of those things forever, some of those little things that he does, or doesn’t do, for that matter. Some of those social obligations that seem to be passed over in a fit of oblivion, some of the sweet nothings and simple statements that can make everything better that are left unsaid. I am not as strong as I thought I was, I suppose, and maybe that’s my fault. It probably is. But I think that’s why I need someone who is far stronger than I am, and I wonder, when push comes to shove, will he be? What if I surprise myself, or what if he surprises me? I don’t know that I would find a better fit for me, but what if there is? I don’t think I could actually take the time to find out, but there is still a lingering thought.

I wonder what if my grandfather hadn’t passed away on Monday, and had beaten the cancer, and had lived another few years. He would have seen me graduate, and not just finish classes, but really, really graduate. Maybe one day he’d ask me (as usual), “So are you getting married yet?” and I’d be able to respond, “Yes, I am!” I wonder what would happen then. I wonder what would have happened if we had found it ten years ago, would he have still been alive? I don’t deal with death well in general, but this is bad because there are so many things that I wanted, and wished for, and now those are all to dust.

To this day, I wonder what if I had been accepted to Brown University. I think that’s something I can’t get over, ever. I don’t know why. I wonder if I would have turned out like some of the Brown snobs, that used to be somewhat of my friends. Would I be so worried about my loans, since the career office there is ridiculously helpful and helps graduates land jobs that pay off loans in a few years. Would I have even found economics and been able to make such a name for myself? Would I have found cars, or Initial D, or even met some of the people I did, since it’s still in Rhode Island? Would I turn out like some of them, and try to detach myself from my home and the places that made me who I am? Would life be easier?

There are so many things that I think about. I hate thinking. I just want to disappear.

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