I’ve been by myself a lot for the past few days, and it’s gotten me to thinking about my life, and the only conclusion I’ve been able to come up with is that I am compeltely and utterly dissatisfied with about 90% of it. There’s nothing inspiring, nothing that really sparks my passion, and every day is the same, with nothing exciting to look forward to.
I hate my job; I get paid dirt to make spreadsheets and surf the (mostly blocked) Internet for competitive information. It’s not an interesting industry, and it’s not at all what I thought it was, or what I wanted to do. I went to college, a good college, and I graduated with honors in two specialized subjects that require a lot more study than the generic ones. I am doing things a GED kid with half a brain could do, and the money isn’t even worth the 100 mile round trip commute. I barely make enough to live on…maybe if I don’t eat anything, or do anything unless someone else is paying for me. The people there are all weird, except the few that are around my age. And even at that, I don’t hang out with work friends. Not really, anyway. Keep your work and friends separate, with maybe one or two exceptions.
My livelihood suffers, since they pay me nothing. Money is important to me; it allows you the means to do what you want. But when half of your monthly income goes to your rent, another quarter ends up paying your student loans, electric and phone bill, and the last quarter is not even enough to have lunch during the week….or to pay my race fees…or save for Christmas…or to pay for things when they break, like my laptop charger cord. It’s a huge stressor in my life. You’d think that with all this stress I would just have no appetite, and be depressed. You’d be right.
On the upside, I do think that a suffering livlihood and depression means I will be able to get skinny faster. It’s hard when everyone goes out for lunch and you want to just get out of the office. My love affair with food has got to come to an end, since I can’t afford it, both physically and financially. I am hating myself more and more with every day, especially with the realization that I am 25 lbs heavier than I was freshman year. (Yes I know it was 5 years ago, and I know my life was far different, but still.) I don’t know how I got up to 120 so quickly. Maybe it’s because we eat out so much, or because I’m so much more sedentiary at work than I was at Perspectives. Even when we started dating, I was around 105. And now I’ve gained 15 lbs in the last year and a half, and I don’t know why or how. I don’t eat junky, and I don’t eat a lot. My goal is to be back to 95 lbs around January. We’ll see how it goes; in the winter, there’s the whole holiday season and all the parties. And when I view the thinspiration, and ANTM, and other diet things, I just get so discouraged. Encouraged, and discouraged at the same time. Some of them don’t look good, because they don’t carry themselves well, and some of them are gorgeous and skinny, and I want to look just like them. And then the sinking realization sets in: I can’t ever look like these beautiful, skinny women. (But I can try!) It’s such an odd feeling. At least I’m taking steps, even if they’re baby. I’ve stopped drinking after the RAL event in August. I don’t need those empty calories. I just need to stop eating everything else. And then I’ll be skinny again, and then I will feel beautiful again.
I’m getting frustrated with racing because I am just not getting any better. After my abominable performance at RAL, followed by my terrible (but extremely lucky) driving at the next event at Devens, I’m seeing that no matter what I try, I’m not getting any better. I am not aggressive enough, and for some reason my line-taking has gone down the crapper. I used to take great lines, and now I can’t see what the hell is right in front of me. I can’t force myself to drive harder, and especially when driving in HS, I can’t bring myself to really push, since it’s not my car. I think I broke the hydraulic tranny mount after spinning (twice) on my first run at the last event. PJ got my hopes up a little when he said he thought I had a good shot at winning the class this year, but with Dan Oliver showing up and completely obliterating us all, there’s no chance. I might be able to take second (probably third though), but that’s just the first loser. It’s embarrassing, frankly, that I can’t get it together. And that I get so frustrated with myself. After a whole season, I don’t feel that I’m any better than I was at my first event. I should probably just quit.
I’m disillusined with my education, probably because I don’t use ANY of it in my day to day work. I think going back to school and getting a PhD would be good for me. Or just going back to school in general. It’s the same with my musical education. Yes, I have all the technical know how, and after 13 years of piano, if I didn’t have the technical know how, I’d be in trouble. But I really do miss playing, and it’s not like a piano is the easiest, cheapest, or most practical thing to move around to wherever I am. Not to mention my neighbors would hate me. I really need to do something, to find something (healthy) to be passionate about. The working world, at least this working world, is not for me, and I really feel completely alone.