We Let It All Slip Away

I can’t remember why, but my best friend from high school was in my dream the other night. Her name is Annie, and she’s Chinese. She was valedictorian of our high school class, and she is in the Brown University PLME program. She was always Mary Sunshine and everyone loved her, and still seems to, from the looks of her Facebook wall. We haven’t really spoken since she went off to the Ivy League (at my dream school, nonetheless) and I went to the lowly state school. And since then, she’s been “better’ than me.

When she started college, we had a minor falling out, where she told me she didn’t want to associate with anyone from high school, and that she was above that, and above them. She said she wanted to leave SK and everyone and everything there. I was really hurt by it; I don’t think she realized the implications of what she had just said. After that, I tried to keep the lines of communication open, and we tried to plan visits to Brown, but somehow something always came up on her end…then I would see her away messages: “_______ here for the weekend!” I always felt like I had been replaced, and that I just wasn’t good enough anymore.

The last time I talked to her, my last memory of her, was when a mutual friend from high school was tragically killed in a car accident. She called me, and I didn’t know who it was at first because after two and a half years of silence, why bother to keep a phone number? She asked if I had heard about Sarah, and if I was going to the wake. I told her yes, and she said she’d like to go as well, but she didn’t have a ride from the bus station…I used to pick her up every morning of high school and we’d drive there together. She didn’t have a car, or a driver’s license, and she was on the way so it wasn’t a big deal. And she called me not because she cared…because she needed something. Just like every time she had talked to me since we graduated high school. Once I dropped her off at home, after the wake, that was it. I have not seen or heard from her since.

In my dream, I went into a restaurant and she was there, as a waitress. Granted, I’m unemployed, but she was still serving me. She wouldn’t talk to me and still acted like she was better, and had more fun with her “Brownies.” She was a careless waitress to me, and I didn’t even get the food I ordered. I left the restaurant feeling like I did the day I realized she had changed, and we were no longer friends. When I woke up, I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I was confused, and hurt, and depressed.

I wonder why she popped into my head that night. I rarely think of her, never IM her online, and it’s been three years since we’ve spoken. She’s in med school after a year off, and as far as I know still better than me. Somehow I’m more at peace with her and I drifting apart than I am with being rejected from Brown all those years ago. It’s been a few days and I’ve thought of her and Brown more in this time period than I have in a few years. I don’t know why, and it’s eating at me.

I feel like I’ve been left behind and replaced. Not just by her but by lots of people. Maybe it’s my own fault, but it really hurts.

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9 comments

  1. I’ve done that to people unfortunately. I never considered the other side because I like being alone and staying out of contact. I’m trying to change that. It’s no fault of your own. People change all we can do is look forward. 

  2. Things like this are so very common…it isn’t you, it’s just the way it is. I’ve had it happen to me, and seen it happen to my eight younger brothers and sisters. I’ve seen it happen to nieces and nephews, and to many of my students. In some cases one or two friendships endure for a time, but then the time between talking to or meeting becomes longer and longer. It’s sad, but seems to be a natural process.

  3. people change, and people move on.  It’s a fact of life.  It’s the people who remain around, who make a mutual effort to remain in touch, that are worth keeping.  Don’t feel bad and don’t blame yourself when others turn their backs on you… You did all you could to avert it, and they shoveled shit in your face… no need to mourn for the loss of someone like that… if anything, you’re better off not having “friends” who would do that to you.As for that girl, she sounds like a self-centered, narcissistic biatch.Smile 😀

  4. now write one about your closest friends that you do have!  =Oit’s ok to dive into the past, but things change.. people change.. appreciate the time you spent with them and give no more thought to it.  they really don’t deserve your attention.

  5. Hey..I saw your plug and clicked to your site.  Friendship should never be taken lightly and is a two-way street.  I’m sorry to hear that this friendship has given you heartache.Well, according to http://www.dreammoods.com, to dream about a friend signifies this: ” to see friends in your dream, signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge these rejected aspects of yourself.  The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself.  Additionally, this symbol fortells of happy tidings from them and the arrival of good news.To see your friends, saddened and troubled, in your dream, signifies sickness and distress upon them.To see your childhood friend in your dream, signifies regression into your past where you had no responsibilities and things were much simpler and carefree.  You may be wanting to escape the pressures and stresses of adulthood.  Consider the relationship you had with this friend and the lessons that were learned.  Alternatively, the childhood friend may be suggesting hat you have been acting in a childish manner and you need to start acting like an adult.”

  6. @babjengi – Thanks 🙂 She never used to be that bad…she was actually really cool…I guess the Ivy League changes you…that, and a view of entitlement. I always find it hard to just “let go” because I don’t have a lot of close friends, and I have even fewer girl friends. I always got along better with guys, probably because things are far simpler, and there’s a lot less drama. I’m not into games. @Nivek7 – I just might do that…I have lots of “friends” but very few good friends, but the ones I do have are gems. @BomCamChuoi – Thanks for the insight. I don’t think she’ll be contacting me any time soon, It’s sad, but I now realize that maybe we just weren’t meant to be in each other’s lives…I used to imagine her as my maid of honor…now she probably won’t be invited to the wedding…our paths were just supposed to cross, and that’s it.

  7. Sometimes, we just can’t explain these things… why we just tend to feel “inadequate” or “less than” against someone else/certain groups of people. Growing up, there was always ONE PERSON in the family who’d always always always managed to make me feel small somehow. Even though she was part of the extended family and MY AGE; there was always this kind of condescending I felt from her and by being around her. It’s weird. Unexplainable. But now that she’s abroad studying and I’m older some… I think that’s kinda going away. Just because I’m completely fine with how I am, who I am, where I am and all I have now. Not that I weren’t before it wasn’t exactly a 100%, I think.The truth is, no one is better than or more than. It’s just you. And her. You’re two different people with different lives; a different upbringing, different outlooks & perspectives. Don’t feel small, don’t think she’s better and never ever ever feel like you’re less than what she is. That’s what self-love and confidence is all about. Having that sense of worth. Even if you’re unemployed. A waitress. Whichever, whatever [=Hope you’re doing better ehh. *hug* Sometimes it’s good to hurt. It reminds us that we’re still alive. And living.

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