I can’t remember why, but my best friend from high school was in my dream the other night. Her name is Annie, and she’s Chinese. She was valedictorian of our high school class, and she is in the Brown University PLME program. She was always Mary Sunshine and everyone loved her, and still seems to, from the looks of her Facebook wall. We haven’t really spoken since she went off to the Ivy League (at my dream school, nonetheless) and I went to the lowly state school. And since then, she’s been “better’ than me.
When she started college, we had a minor falling out, where she told me she didn’t want to associate with anyone from high school, and that she was above that, and above them. She said she wanted to leave SK and everyone and everything there. I was really hurt by it; I don’t think she realized the implications of what she had just said. After that, I tried to keep the lines of communication open, and we tried to plan visits to Brown, but somehow something always came up on her end…then I would see her away messages: “_______ here for the weekend!” I always felt like I had been replaced, and that I just wasn’t good enough anymore.
The last time I talked to her, my last memory of her, was when a mutual friend from high school was tragically killed in a car accident. She called me, and I didn’t know who it was at first because after two and a half years of silence, why bother to keep a phone number? She asked if I had heard about Sarah, and if I was going to the wake. I told her yes, and she said she’d like to go as well, but she didn’t have a ride from the bus station…I used to pick her up every morning of high school and we’d drive there together. She didn’t have a car, or a driver’s license, and she was on the way so it wasn’t a big deal. And she called me not because she cared…because she needed something. Just like every time she had talked to me since we graduated high school. Once I dropped her off at home, after the wake, that was it. I have not seen or heard from her since.
In my dream, I went into a restaurant and she was there, as a waitress. Granted, I’m unemployed, but she was still serving me. She wouldn’t talk to me and still acted like she was better, and had more fun with her “Brownies.” She was a careless waitress to me, and I didn’t even get the food I ordered. I left the restaurant feeling like I did the day I realized she had changed, and we were no longer friends. When I woke up, I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I was confused, and hurt, and depressed.
I wonder why she popped into my head that night. I rarely think of her, never IM her online, and it’s been three years since we’ve spoken. She’s in med school after a year off, and as far as I know still better than me. Somehow I’m more at peace with her and I drifting apart than I am with being rejected from Brown all those years ago. It’s been a few days and I’ve thought of her and Brown more in this time period than I have in a few years. I don’t know why, and it’s eating at me.
I feel like I’ve been left behind and replaced. Not just by her but by lots of people. Maybe it’s my own fault, but it really hurts.