I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

tuckermax

Dear Mr. Max,

First, I would like you to know that I have been a longtime, loyal follower of your website. I have spent countless hours reading, and re-reading your stories in disbelief that these could all happen to one person. I have laughed out loud, so hard and loudly, that I have gotten reprimanded at work. I have recommended your site to anyone who needs a laugh, and even used it for reference (see this story). Despite the depravity of some of it, I would go as far as to say that you are a role model for anyone who wants to live his or her own life exactly as they chose, and for those that need to learn to not to take themselves so seriously.

All this being said, I don’t think I need to tell you how excited I was to hear that some studio executive thought you deserved a movie. The many stories and ideas I had in my head started combining and turning into high hopes for this film. I think I had your movie somewhere along the lines of American Pie, with a bit of The Hangover, and some random (but high quality) adult film.

american_pie + the-hangover

In true Tucker Max fashion, I downloaded a copy of your movie last week. I was quite excited to watch it, and the fact that it clocked in at 1:45 made me positively giddy with anticipation of trying to predict which stories you chose to reenact.

HOWEVER, much to my chagrin, you were barely in the damn movie. You hired some lame guy, who tried (unsuccessfully, I might add) to imitate your natural swagger and confidence. It didn’t work. He looked like a toolbag that had never gotten laid, never gotten drunk, never gone to college (let alone Duke Law), and couldn’t pick up a chick from anywhere, even Jersey. He was unattractive, a terrible actor, he had no charm, and I could only hope and speculate you chose a completely pathetic douchebag so he wouldn’t upstage you. Right. That had to be it. Because he, quite frankly, sucked.

The best part of the movie was your 30 second cameo as the best man at the wedding. I would have much rather have see you, “documentary” style, relive your exploits. The story didn’t even flow, and it seemed like (as I predicted) a weak ripoff of The Hangover. Or any other bachelor-party-gone-wrong movie. The Tucker-realizes-he’s-a-bad-friend speech was delivered flat and unconvincing, and even though I wanted to believe him, I just couldn’t. Sure, he lies about cleaning up his shit. But when it flashes back to “What Would Tucker Do?” part, Tucker wouldn’t PAY HER! TUCKER WOULD HAVE FUCKED HER! The movie wasn’t even realistic. I was so sad.

The sole other redeeming quality of this film is that Jesse Bradford was cast as your bitter friend, who I have had a secret crush on since I saw him in Bring It On.

3896103_gal

He’s a good actor, cute, and though I have a  bone to pick with him about his participation in the US remake of the Korean film My Sassy Girl (don’t get me started), he was at least decently cast and did a good job. He also had some of the best lines in the movie. Other than that, I’d have to say that your movie ranks up there with films like Glitter and anything recent with Eddie Murphy.

In short, I was severely disappointed. Given the content and quality of your website, I had visions of grandeur, only to be smashed to the ground by a lameass actor, mediocre looking girls, and a storyline that might as well have been ripped off by someone who had only heard about such bachelor-party movies, but never seen any. The only way you could have redeemed yourself after that movie is to offer a complimentary fuck to each viewer. But even free sex wouldn’t have helped. And sex can usually help anything. I sat through all 1:45 of it, and did not once ever think this could have actually happened to you. Why? Because you’re better than that, Mr. Max. I know you are. You have to be.

I still love your website, and encourage anyone reading this to visit it. I will continue to tote it and shamelessly promote the stories on it, because those are actually good, and actually funny. I will most likely read your second book, and will buy it for someone that I believe needs a good hearty chuckle. However, I do hope the next time you choose to write a screenplay, you decide not to suck at it.

With Hope,
Jenna

 

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5 comments

  1. bj follies is the best story, hah!yea, the movie looked like some crappy homemade camera job.  i was actual displeased w/ the cameo.  i know it was just part of the script but a bumbling older brother?  he [the real tucker just looked like an idiot.  as for the storyline, i think going with the ms vermont (despite further lawsuits), law internship stuff would have been better.  doing midgets, deaf chicks, and blind-ys just made him seem like a perverted crazy person without the context of the rest of the stories.and much more…-also disappointed,jasonbtw, couldn’t they have casted a hot looking stripper gf?  or was the budget for that too low too?

  2. @BUONGlORNO – THANK YOU! Even if they don’t do the Miss Vermont, they could have done Tucker Tries Buttsex or The Most Disturbing Conversation Ever. Or Sushi Pants! How can you not do Sushi Pants???? And the girls were not even hot. I was mad. And there was, like, NO sex in it. WTF. @whotakethmycoke – Um. No. I clearly said it was a disappointing movie. Like Glitter. But worse. The website, however, is truly funny and I recommend you read any of the aforementioned stories. 

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