Frenemies and Endships, Part 2

Anna,

Maybe you’ve wondered why we haven’t spoken much in the past month. Usually “best friends” talk often; in spite of busy schedules. But actually, there is a reason I haven’t gotten back to you.

I was very hurt, embarrassed, and felt extremely disrespected at my birthday, to the point where I felt obligated to apologize to my guests for your behavior, and on your behalf. After some reflection, it’s not the first time it’s happened. In fact, in each of our visits over the past two years, I’ve left with a funny feeling in my stomach, that was normally shrugged off as “It’s just how she is.” This is the first time I really couldn’t find a justification for your behavior. “Oh, it’s just Outrageous Anna” doesn’t cut it anymore.

I know it’s a month later, and maybe I should have brought this up sooner. In the past, I don’t think I’ve been forceful or direct enough for you to realize the damage you were doing to this friendship, but I also thought you’d be able to take a hint when I made it clear that I was uncomfortable. Previously, I’d be angry for a little while, but things would subside as I fabricated some sort of reason for your behavior, and talked myself into forgiving you. You and I have always found excuses, ranging from “I have issues, it’s the meds” to “It’s just me, and I don’t care.” I can’t make excuses anymore, because that further enables you to be, in a word, inappropriate.

I know that this is not the first time, nor am I the only person, to feel this way, resulting from your behavior in a social setting. You’ve said things to me regarding my wedding, my family, and my choices that are not only judgmental, but hurtful and uncalled for, and occasionally with a public audience. I don’t understand when, or why this change in your attitude has come about, but the “It’s all about Anna” bit has really worn thin, and I don’t feel good when I’m around you anymore. I don’t feel that you ever put anyone before yourself; at my birthday, it should have been about me. You also don’t seem to care about me, or my feelings, or anything else other than getting what you want, and making sure you enjoy yourself. Your “Sorry, I was drunk and I don’t remember anything” excuse is transparent, and does not condone your actions.

I know you’ve found a way to deal with your choices and interactions with other people in a way that works for you: namely figuring out a rationalization that absolves you of blame and responsibility and transfers it to them. But when it comes to your behavior, the responsibilty is yours. Blaming issues, or inebriation, or even the weather and PMS are just callow excuses, and are not going to substantiate the fact that you’ve repeatedly caused me to feel disrespected, taken advantage of, and that I need question our friendship.

All of this being said, I’ve decided it’s best for me that we take an extended hiatus. This will give us some time to reflect, and give you time to think about whether or not you think it is actually worth learning how to behave appropriately in order to save this, and future, friendships. I am not holding this against you, nor do I hold ill will towards you, but I was very hurt by your tactless behavior and embarrassed to be associated with you, which is not how a true friend should make you feel. I wish you could learn that your actions affect others, and socially acceptable behavior would save you a lot of headache.

Best,
Jenna

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6 comments

  1. Wow! What a well written letter. Gosh it was good. I ‘ll have to ask you to help me write letters. If she doesn’t get this or doesn’t want to change for the better, so be it.

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