System Dynamics

Sometimes you meet someone, and you don’t feel anything. Sometimes you meet someone, and you have generally positive vibes, but it’s still not anything special. And sometimes, you meet someone, and you hit it off. Instant chemistry, and everything falls into place. The dynamic you have with that person is so incredible and so awesome, that not much else matters. But what happens when that dynamic is not with your significant other? What do you do when that dynamic is everything you want, but also very inappropriate?

Last night, my friend Bimmer and I went out for sushi. (It was delicious, by the way.) He has a lot of intense stuff going on at the moment, so let me give you some backstory: His girlfriend Choxie is jealous and flips out a lot. She didn’t like me for a while, but now I think she’s more or less ok with our friendship. She cheated on him with a lot of different guys, three years ago, and only told him last year. Needless to say, he doesn’t trust her. He recently met someone, Spade, who “fills that void” that Choxie and he had, but are now missing.

Bimmer said that he and Spade are completely incompatible aside from the fact that they can talk about anything, and she’s very sharp, so she gave him perspective on things that he didn’t have before. They have fun, and it’s a good time. He’s been spending a lot of time with Spade, much to Choxie’s chagrin. Choxie took what was special about their relationship, and shared it with a lot of other guys, and lied about it. So there’s a big void, of trust, openness, etc. And somehow, Spade took some dirt that was missing from that hole, and is filling it.

What do you do in a situation like this? What do you do when you are getting something that you need from someone other than your significant other? And it’s not physical. It’s completely emotional and mental. Is that cheating? Is that perfectly ok, because it’s purely platonic (at the moment)? 

On top of that, what do you do when you want your SO to fill that void, but s/he can’t because s/he’s either completely uninterested in doing so and has become complacent with the way the relationship is, s/he’s clueless on how to go about it, or s/he just cant?



  1. You break up with the S.O.  Yeh yeh I know I am one to talk…but if you arent getting what you need from your S.O. then your S.O. is not the one for you.

  2. Why would a rational adult stay in a relationship that he or she is consistently unhappy with? Further, why would that rational person continue to build a life with someone they cannot trust; someone who does not meet their (emotional and/ or physical) needs? He is weaving a verrrry tangled web in forming this kind of bond outside of his relationship. I think your friend needs to re-evaluate his relationship aside from this friendship… and vice versa. If he isn’t careful he could end up losing both women. 

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