You know, sometimes, I don’t know why,
But this old town just seems so hopeless.
I ain’t really sure, but it seems I remember the good times
Were just a little bit more in focus.
Normally, for my last post (or first post) of the year, I’d post the song Long December by the Counting Crows, and then recap the year’s events, and my resolutions for the coming twelve months. This year, I decided to do something different. I suppose I didn’t have resolutions per se, and I am not entirely sure I need to recap the whole year – in fact, I think if I did, I might want to go drink myself into oblivion and eat a whole cake.
If you just read this blog, you might think 2014 was a year full of fun – travel, books, racing, oh my! I went to Madrid, Boston, New York City, Dallas. I raced all over the country. I read over twenty books. I made new friends, visited old ones, and strengthened my relationships, despite hundreds of miles and oceans between us.
It looks like I had a great 2014. But in reality, it was a really, really tough year. I almost lost my mom – twice – to GI diseases. The last bits of my marriage crumbled and ended in a very sad and difficult divorce that took eleven of the twelve months. I couldn’t eat or sleep (still can’t sleep – working on the eating bit). Work became so much more frustrating, and seemingly dead end, that I drove home in tears at least a few times a month. Grad school screwed me over, I was not able to begin my Masters program, and I missed the races I had been looking forward to the most. I was hospitalized for a week, and then admitted again for two days two months later for an emergency procedure (following the most excruciating diet I’ve ever been on), due to my own GI issues, which continue to plague me and are still of unknown origin.
I’d like to say, “Yes, I definitely learned something from all my trials and tribulations this year. Yes, I am a stronger, smarter, and an overall better person from all of this. Yes, I am viewing the year, despite all the hardship, as something put there so I can learn.” And while all of that may be true, I also want to say, “Fuck you, 2014.” Sure, I learned things. I learned who is truly in my support network, and sadly, who is not (and sometimes, those people surprise you, and it really fucking hurts). I learned about love, and loss, and what I really need from a relationship and from myself. I learned that what you don’t say speaks far louder than what you do. But looking back on the year, despite the lessons being important, I find myself asking, “Was it worth it?” Hmmmm……
I wholeheartedly believe that things happen for a reason, and I believe that the experiences you have and the choices you make shape who you are. Heraclitus said, “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.” But come on, 2014 – why did you have to be such a jerk? I’m pretty sure I could have learned those lessons, made those choices, and been just as tormented health-wise without all the backstabbing, lying, stress, and missed hours of sleep. I mean, come on 2014. You sort of sucked. And just when I thought I’d be seeing you out, that I’d seen the last of you, you rewarded me with an trip to the emergency room at 3 am on December 31. Really?!
I suppose that for the coming twelve months, I have lofty goals and ambitions, just like I always do. I have the “read more, eat healthier, exercise more” things to fulfill, but I suppose there are other things I’d not thought about. I’ve made changes to myself over the last year, that have bitten me in the ass, but have overall ended up better than worse. I speak up and don’t let things bother me or fester for long. I am trying to give more people a bigger benefit of the doubt, and taking them for who they are, instead of who I’d like them to be. I also am trying to let things go and be more positive. They aren’t easy things to do, but I figure I’ve got a long hard road ahead of me. What’s a few more boulders in my path?
And who knows what will happen? Maybe I’ll find a new job, maybe I’ll move to a new city, or find a new love. Maybe I’ll even buy a new car. The only thing I know is that this year has to be better.